Favorite Subject: English
Life Goal: Three Pulitzer prizes
Favorite Food: Coffee and sandwich
Favorite Sport: Coaching
Interests: Journalism, History
Biggest Fear: None. I am the one
whom people fear.
Quote: “Childhood is overrated.”
What are you most proud of: ‘I’m proud that my column “Teacher’s Union Card or Mental Disability Membership?” got our former science teacher Mr. Dibble fired; He was an idiot.’
VOL.4, (september)

TT: [Treewiddle Tribune] Firstly, can you tell us a bit about yourself?
WINSLOW: I’d rather not, but perhaps you might be interested in knowing how bored I am at this very moment?

TT: No thanks … Can you list two strengths and explain each one?
WINSLOW: Strength one is I’m able to put up with you and this stupid interview. Strength two is that I’m smarter than anyone on this campus — you’re still boring me, by the way.

TT: You’re the Treewiddle Tribune’s Editor-in-Chief. Can you tell us why you applied for the most prestigious student job at Treewiddle Elementary?
WINSLOW: I feel writing and news reporting has a long and decorated history, and is in need of my talents. I recognize I am but a humble participant who is honored just to be part of it. Plus, if didn’t take the job you might get it, and then everybody would fall asleep after reading your interview questions.

TT: Can we stay on topic, please? You obviously have confidence in yourself but let’s try to be cordial. Ok? … What would you say is your favorite part of the job?
WINSLOW: Responding to news events and delivering unbiased information to the public. I also enjoy working with the people in the newsroom and serving my readership. I am humble like that.

TT: um … actually — and I don’t mean to sound offensive — but it’s rumored that you are reclusive, passively aggressive, and difficult to work with when things don’t go your way.
WINSLOW: Are you flirting with me? That is a definite “no-no” towards an innocent boy like me. Should I phone the police or do you want to continue with this interview and keep things respectable?

TT: Thank you for making my point. Could you describe one time where you acted as a leader? … and for the record, I was not flirting with you.
WINSLOW: I applied for the president of Treewiddle’s Youth Center. The center commands the largest budget at the school and my ideas for expansion and development would benefit all worthy students on this campus.

TT: Did you win the election?
WINSLOW: No comment.

TT: In your opinion what makes a good teacher?
WINSLOW: First of all, most teacher’s are lucky to even have jobs, so as for what makes a good teacher the answer would logically be somebody who doesn’t NEED to be a teacher or depend on Teacher’s Unions to keep them employed. You may have noticed that most teachers are members of the Union.

TT: Does the school give you too much homework? How much do you think they should give?
WINSLOW: You’re assuming that what the school has us do at home can actually be considered “work” – it isn’t. Our educational system lags behind almost every developed country. The homework is too easy; I usually complete assignments before class ends so at night I can learn important things on my own … At this point in the interview I feel compelled to tell you I am still bored.

TT: Yes, I am aware you are bored. Thank you for informing me.
WINSLOW: You’re welcome; I’m here to help in any way I can.

TT: May I continue?
WINSLOW: Please do, before the Grim Reaper mistakes me for a corpse.

TT: How do you feel about the environment? or endangered species?
WINSLOW: Nature has been a beautiful addition to Earth because almost all our business ventures have to do with destroying it. Without Nature the Earth would just be a big rock with lots of water on it. Basically it would be a very large, round bird bath — except there wouldn’t be any birds.

TT: Yes. Interesting analogy, but how do you feel about Nature?
WINSLOW: Well I’m not one of those bleeding-heart Liberal types, if that’s what you mean. Some things in Nature should be eaten, some domesticated, and other things left alone. Without Nature we would not be able to play golf, so Nature is very important … Are these answers going to be part of my student file, or going to be published?

TT: They might be. Yes.
WINSLOW: I would just like to add that I love all plants and animals, and donate to Greenpeace in my spare time … and please save whales; they are big and stupid and can’t do it themselves.

TT: What do you think about children smoking cigarettes, using alcohol or drugs?
WINSLOW: Stupid kids do stupid things; there’s not much else to say.

TT: But don’t you put a cigar in your mouth while you work at the newsroom?
WINSLOW: That’s different. Cigars are beau monde; cigarettes are proletariat. Besides, you said “children,” and I am NOT a child.

TT: Really? How old are you?
WINSLOW: Old enough to know what true hate feels like. Does that help?

TT: Speaking of hate, I’ve been told you’re not a big fan of technology. Is it true you don’t use a computer; you use a typewriter and have someone scan your pages into the computer?
WINSLOW: True and easily defended. Don’t ACT like a reporter, BE a reporter! The old ways are the tried-and-tested best ways for success.

TT: Do you see yourself as a role model for other students?
WINSLOW: I am a role model, yes. I also look like a model but that has no effect on my ego or personality. Sometimes being a role model calls for a light touch, tact, and sensitivity. I have mastery of all three.

TT: That concludes our interview, Winslow. We weren’t sure how this would go but we’re very happy you were able to take your time and join us today. I felt it went very well.
WINSLOW: Then that will be your little secret. Bye.

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